my head is foggy, my eyes feel dim... have i brought my specs with me

desperately i cling
the idea of a free heart and mind that is mine
able to withstand the blows of winds from foe

in silent winds I think I've won
only to have the story retold
as winds blow in and heart and mind erode

I started this blog only hours ago. Not looking for inspiration to write but hoping that thoughts would flow as inspiration for thought presented itself. And here I am with keyboard at my fingertips and all the words heaped together in an unsettled mess at the edge of my mind, ready to jump.

with no attempt to make sense here's it is
what started

angered by others disruption of what I deemed to be my life - my space - my home - my serenity - my order - my system - my calm. Overcome and needing a vent. Get out Get out.

I must go back a step here and elaborate on how I was feeling - for these feelings were the moving force which ignited what I intended to be smothered ambers and resulted in this insight. 

I felt angered, angered, angered, uncomfortable, muscles taking on stress, discomfort, discomfort so much that I wanted to leave. And so I did. shoes laced in a moment I hit the bush sprinting as I let the anger, discomfort, stress throw me vaulting ahead. letting these things push me forward and forward and forward to exhaust them. with exhaustion they would be left behind and I could carry on rid of all of these feelings I disliked. Disliked because I had let them fill my mind and heart I had not sent them running but now I tried.

In my moments of exhaustion I sat on rocks and times leaned on mossy trees. Something happened in these moments and my interactions brought me serenity. Nothing was said nothing was done - things just were. the  leaves creaking along the ground alive still from summer past.

In these moments the feelings I had ran from were gone

I ran and they returned. I slowed and they weakened as I regained a connection to my surroundings. I hope one day to win.

I figure the story is one of self
self the thing that's not the space, the home, the serenity, the order, the system or the calm.
self the energy that cannot be bound. That is yours and not theirs but will flow fee, connect and abound.
I have begun to pay attention to how others effect my mood. Knowing that my goal is to remain at peace and knowing that I am in control of how I react to others actions/words. Being conscious of my intent not to let negativity and negative experiences effect me. It has proven to be an unbelievably hard thing to master.

Forging on.

so you want to hear all about my life?


if that's really what your looking for? I find that hard to believe. But if true, you've come to the wrong place
this blog is not intended to serve as a status update *twitter, facebook, bbm*- self promoting tool rather a way to express my insights as they arise in that ever changing thing called life
I originally started blogging as I approached and entered into my volunteer placement in Kenya. A significant experience, I was sure to develop new insights as old thoughts were challenged and wild experiences were had that were previously foreign to me.  I took time to ponder things, recognizing their value. But life here...well it has no less value or fewer insights to share. It is full of dilemmas, surprises, injustices, triumphs and uncertainties too - they just go unnoticed, just part of 'daily life', the norms.


So as I tune up the observation of my eye, dawn a tight pondering cap, and questioning the world around me, stay tuned.